4/12/12 10:00 p.m.

Dear Diary,

My mother’s basement is cold as ever. I just received word that once again, the world will end tomorrow, Friday 13, 2012. You already know why I say “once again,” diary, but for those who may survive this inevitable apocalypse, I will reiterate.

My Magic 8-Ball gave me the same information exactly one year ago, but as a result of some divine intervention, we were all spared. However, this time it simply said “Yes,” not any of that “All signs point to yes” or “As I see it, yes” nonsense, just “Yes.” Everyone that has ever religiously and blindly followed the words of a Magic 8-Ball knows the binding significance of “Yes.”

And so I have begun preparing for our approaching demise. After another consultation with Mr. 8-Ball, I’ve determined that the best plan of action is for us to collect various lucky charms. To my sister’s dismay, I felt it necessary to take her rabbit’s foot and put it on a key chain. Unfortunately, Mr. Snuggleton did not survive the surgery. I always knew he was weak. I also went to the grocery store and ate all the marshmallows from the Lucky Charms. I got through eight boxes until they chased me out and called the cops. If only they knew.