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The Phillipian

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Arthur Doran    Thursday, January 22, 2015
Desperate to make some sort of actual change while in office, last year’s student council president, Wanglefort Slumberjack, decided to use his executive power to revert the Student Council Constitution to what it was way back in the year 1850. After a lengthy process of revising the politically incorrect 163-year-old Constitution, the faux tea stained piece of paper purchased at the poster fair made it politically correct by the standards of todayyear. The Student Council unanimously voted...
Emma Rosz-Kelley    Thursday, January 22, 2015
The recent buzz on campus regarding the outbreak of Bubonic plague has caused a heightening concern about Andover’s health. “We do not know how the Bubonic plague entered our environment atop Andover hill,” said Ghengis K., Dean of Rat Control on campus. Students who are not quarantined or choking on their own bile predict the Bubonic Plague arrived on campus along with Exeter’s Varsity Snowball team. “I saw fleas jumping off their bodies and onto our players,” said an anonymous student...
Niko Skrivanos    Thursday, January 22, 2015
On a typical Wednesday, Andover students flock to Cochran Chapel for All-School Meeting. Amongst the pews, students hide their phones between their thighs while playing Trivia Crack, and others sit eagerly with their coats and backpacks on, ready to dart out of the Chapel as soon as possible. So, even though there appeared to be a tremendous amount of joy in the air, administrators reported finding 95 Theses listing the abuses of Andover stapled to the Chapel Door. The Theses were...
Ed Elson    Thursday, January 22, 2015
The ascendance to ultimate power is and never will be, by any means, easy. One must toss aside any scrap of moral dignity if one seeks to gain ultimate power. One must truly embrace the raw Cluster Dean spirit burrowed internally, and this is exactly what our newly elected Cluster Dean, Kanye Northeast, did. In an interview, Northeast said, “Now that I have reached the height of institutional power, I demand that I be addressed as Emperor Kanye or, alternatively, The Emperor.” Many...
Features Staff CXXXVII    Thursday, January 22, 2015
10. Thou shalt not operate thy drones about campus. 9. Thou shalt not fail to zigzag atop the Lawn of Greatness. 8. Thou shalt not play thy favorite song about snakes not desiring any unless thou has buns. 7. Thou shalt not show thy ankles! How repulsive and revealing. 6. Thou shalt not siteth in low’r right if thou art a youngling. 5. Thou shalt not frolick in the Sanctuary with thy partner. 4. Thou shalt not “borroweth” other students’ scooters. 3. Thou shalt not...
Features Staff CXXXVII    Thursday, January 22, 2015
10. Ranch dressing.9. Tupac. RIP.8. “Little House Rager on the Prairie”7. What you did in Vegas.6. Disneyland.5. Gelb Dance.4. All the girls have gone?3. Stanford’s acceptance rate.2. It’s not New England.1. Any night spent with Features!
James Flynn    Thursday, January 22, 2015
Early last week, while bathing in Pomps Pond, Old Man Jenkins, a PG for the fourth time this year, literally struck gold when he found several nuggets. When the news reached the Phillips Academy campus, over half the student body left their books behind, hopped on their horse ‘n’ buggies and made their way down to ol’ Pomps, hoping to get rich quick. Over the weekend, a temporary camp made primarily of Quonset huts sprouted up. The camp has created a ruckus so loud it resonates throughout...
Billy Casagrande and Jack Shumway    Thursday, January 22, 2015
This week, a shootout took place in Andover County’s Susie’s Saloon after class on Thursday. The sheriff hasn’t released the identities of the shooters yet, but it is rumored that there were two Juniors and two Uppers involved. It all started when the Juniors sat down in Susie’s Saloon with Rocky Raccoon and ordered some chicken quesadillas with two tall, foamy cold ones (cold ones being those nifty new milkshakes) exclaiming, “It’s been a long day!” The first boy, dressed in a flannel...
Charlie Mayhew    Thursday, January 15, 2015
Outrage consumed campus last weekend over the complete absence of massive bovine corpses at Friday’s club rally. One student said, “I was shocked at the total dearth of perished bulls. Now, I know when too much is too much, but you’d think club presidents would show some effort in enticing us to sign up.” Indeed, not one organization thought to purchase the remains of a solid, hefty taurus for the school event. “There was candy – or was that banned too? Either way, extracurricular leaders...
Margaret Bragdon    Thursday, January 15, 2015
This week, students were given the opportunity to attend an informational meeting about the lives of the fire inspectors. This astonishing masterpiece featured a look into the life of the revered fire inspector. Viewers followed the inspectors on an emotional roller coaster of obstructed pathways, overly covered walls and other extremities too severe to even write about. “I couldn’t hold back my tears,” lamented one student. “Messy rooms just ignite my emotions in ways I struggle to express...
Ed Elson    Thursday, January 15, 2015
Well, that was quick! Andover’s very own Assistant to the Assistant Vice Dean of Wellness, Strength and Appreciation released this statement on Saturday morning: “We have decided that the present state of the Rebecca M. Sykes Wellness Center will be beneficial for patients at Andover. The building will no longer undergo construction, and students will enjoy the fresh air of an open health cen-… I mean ­— Wellness Center.” This innovative decision will mean new sleeping and living conditions...
Basil Alfaro    Thursday, January 15, 2015
As per usual, the dance in Susie’s on Friday was full of excitement. Highlights included frightened Juniors cowering in the corners from feverish upperclassmen prowling for a hook-up, awkward circles around a sole Lower attempting to pass off spasms as “break dancing” and a few angelic moments from singing dancers. Their voices were fit for Azure — just like the esteemed a capella group, their screeches broke mirrors and made ears bleed. The Student Activities Board is considering cancelling...

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