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Publius Thursday, May 2, 2013
Hear Ye, Hear Ye: Greetings! Stdravsvweetye! Hola! Gutentag! Welcome to Colonial Featuesburg! Years from now, we imagine families will visit here and have no fun at all, even though we shall advertise it heavily and pretend it is an amusement park! Here in Featuresburg, we remain pure, for we are the noblest individuals remaining on this flat stretch of earth in the middle of the universe.
As the first part of orientation, we should probably let you know a few rules: no fun, no dancing, no...
Bianca Navarro Bowman And Ellie Simon Thursday, May 2, 2013
In the past fortnight, dovens of Andover students living on Salem Street have been accused of witchcraft. The Devil Containment Committee, also known as the DC Committee, has been holding trials in the tunnel between Morse and Pearson. So far, 13 people have been tried, and 666 have been found guilty and ex-spelled. The Illuminati, however, claims to have no involvement whatsoever. Hmmmm.
Reports of witchery detail sightings of Andover students stewing and brewing potions in Gelb, entrancing...
Rob Irvin And Vincent Mocco Thursday, May 2, 2013
Last year, at Andover, we had an astonishing 83 percent matriculation rate. But for Features, this statistic is not good enough. We wanted to find out why the other 17 percent chose not to attend. After spending countless hours watching Newsline, cross referencing Wikipedia and titrating a terrific amount of titanium, we discovered that the 17 percent of the admitted students that did not matriculate actually died due to the dangers of the colonial era. Every student who is accepted to...
Claire Jacobson And Rebecca Somer Thursday, May 2, 2013
The trendy throwback style, the pilgrim look, worn first by Martha Merica ’1614 has caught the attention of many in the Academy. Since Junior year, Merica, who has great posture due to her lack of a backpack as well as her exceptionally tight corset, has been seen carrying her books either by hand or, more commonly, by her signature monogrammed weaved basket. Depending on the day, she alternates between an exceptionally, almost black, shade of brown and delicate, black dresses that hang loosely...
Veronica Harrington Thursday, April 25, 2013
Uuuuggggghhh I must be the only real person around here, buncha phonies, that’s what all these phonies are—a buncha dump pre-, post- and during-pubescent phonies. I came to New York to escape the phonies, and these people are way more real than Andover!
I just walked outta the Natural History museum, and boy, those dinos aren’t phony. They’re real, bad to the bone. No secrets. No lies. No phoniness. Yeah, I like those dinos. My sister Phoebe used to call me Triceratops because my head’s so...
Bridget Higgins Thursday, April 25, 2013
Buck Baldwin ’14 woke up in Isham with a mild concussion, upwards of 20 paper cuts on his cherubic face and no idea what had just happened. Upon regaining consciousness, he was released from Isham with an icepack, several band-aids and some Sudafed. It wasn’t until later that night that he found out what had occurred to him via an already viral YouTube video that his grandmother posted on his Facebook Wall.
The video showed Baldwin being viciously stampeded in the library in the rush to...
Bianca Navarro Bowman And Ellie Simon Thursday, April 25, 2013
Dear Mayor Bloomderp,
My whole life I’ve dreamt of visiting New York City. Literally, my mom birthed me while listening to the song “New York, New York,” and I popped out belting the chorus. I know, my first words were early and melodic. Last weekend, after 12 years of restless waiting, I finally got to witness its “magnificence” on a field trip with my Free the Squirrels Club, and frankly, I was incredibly disappointed by your city. All of the tales I heard were about as tall as the Empire...
Jack Lane Thursday, April 18, 2013
If you hadn’t noticed yet, spring is upon us, which brings on the primal urge to woo and court. And how are you supposed to woo and court if you can’t even defend your lass (or lad)?
The following defense techniques have been learnéd in the only way possible: trial and error. Sooo much error. Thousands have died bestial deaths during the writing of this compendium of carnage, all of whom tragically did not have life insurance. But, fear not! No actual animals have been harmed in the making...
Arthur Doran And Noah Hornik Thursday, April 18, 2013
Greetings, students. I’m Patrick O. Gonya, President...
Tori Grice And charlie Jarvis Thursday, April 18, 2013
For the first time ever, Andover will be hosting a beard growing competition, despite the enormous societal pressure to “stay clean.” Though a select and outcasted few have held strong since November, the majority of the Andover populous has shaved since then. Youth from every mountainous quarter have been recruited to compete in the competition to see whose beard can grow most within one week of intense testosterone mongering.
Some have doubted the legality of the recruited Post Graduates,...
Rob Irvin and Vince Mocco Thursday, April 18, 2013
The cat is the swiss army knife of the wild. Just when you think you’ve got everything out of it, a screw driver pops out. One of the cat’s many useful attributes is its fur. Some of its many uses include, but are not limited to: half a pair of socks, one earmuff and, of course, fingerless gloves. All such items are absolute necessities to surviving in the wild. Having the ability to skin a cat will put one above all others, even bears.
If you are in the wild and only have access to a single...