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The Phillipian

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Phillipian Features Staff CXXXVII    Thursday, April 10, 2014
Teddy Lasry    Thursday, April 3, 2014
While we here at Andover are talking a whole lot about CoEd at 40, it’s easy for us to forget about an immense landmark, dear to us all: our nation has officially hit CoEd at 238. That’s right, folks, for 238 years (or 2086265.16 hours), our very own land of opportunity has generously provided other peoples’ land to both men and women. Never mind social inequality, the wage gap, violence against women, the ludicrously out-of-date birth control conversations and objectifying representations in...
Phillipian Features Staff CXXXVII    Thursday, April 3, 2014
FEATURES: Hello David and Rebecca! Thanks for being with us! To start off, this interview marks the third consecutive time you both have been featured in The Phillipian. How does it feel? DAVID: I think it’s my fourth. I am a god. REBECCA: We are gods, pretty much. DAVID: They should build a pyramid in our honor. Like the Aztecs. FEATURES: Cool. So if you were an animal, which would it be, and why? DAVID: I’d rather be a Lion because ... I don’t know, they’re lions dude! Like...
James Flynn    Thursday, March 27, 2014
Hey guys! I miss you so much! Did you notice I was gone? I’m sure you did! Well, I know I wrote you that letter earlier about my plans, but here’s another update. As you know, I was so excited to visit the sandy beaches of Jamaica. I stuffed three pairs of Crocs, some flamboyant bathing suits, my flowery t-shirt collection and my new portable fish tank, the Aquamatic-430 LITE, into my bag — don’t worry, it was still lighter than my backpack at school! After the usual four-and-a-...
Tiffany Bauman    Thursday, March 27, 2014
Howdy there, neighbor! While y’all yuppies took vacays to Park City or wasted y’all’s lives sitting on a couch waiting for your mom to tell you to clean the Oreo crumbs off the floor, I spent my days cotton-eye-joe-ing and eatin’ three-foot-long sausages at the good Ol’ Texas Rodeo! Unlike some, I wasn’t gonna let some 90-degree weather stop me from riding my horse through dirt streets crowded with those sweaty Texas-sized cowboys. As I stuffed my face with anything and everything fried...
Teddy Lasry    Thursday, March 27, 2014
After I got out of school, I decided that this break was going to be my “writing vacation.” I was determined to produce a great North Eastern American novel and become the voice of my generation. The first day back, I would drop a perfect manuscript on my English teacher’s desk and nonchalantly proclaim: “there.” I would then get published, and coasting off my immense fame, I would maybe even drop out of school. In my newfound free touch, I could field movie offers, bless gallery openings...
Phillipian Features Staff CXXXVII    Thursday, February 27, 2014
Hello from San Diego! Ron Burgundy here, and let me tell you the numerous reasons why you should vote for me One: My cologne. Two: My hair. Three: My jazz flute. Four: My hair. Oh wait, what is that? Did I casually mention my luscious hair again? Silly me, but it is looking pretty good. I mean, don’t act like you’re not impressed. No, please, I’m going to blush—no, your hair is as voluptuous as Odin’s beard, too! But seriously, stop interrupting and let me continue. Five: My dog Baxter’s...
Phillipian Features Staff CXXXVII    Thursday, February 27, 2014
Spoiler alert: before you finish reading this article, you will have decided to vote for us. That being said, hold your overexcited mouse before you click our names on the ballot: this. is. not. a. real. campaign. We know that this may come as a shock, but the truth is that we, the king and queen of Featuresland, feel no need to run for the Co-Presidency. Why, you may ask, would an ideal pair not appease our followers and assume “official” control of the school? Because, to put it simply,...
Phillipian Features Staff CXXXVII    Thursday, February 27, 2014
Features: So, Pita and Peeta. We have to say, you two sure make one interesting duo! The baker’s boy and the pastry... it, much like Angels and Angel cake or Milk and Cookies, is a clearly a match made in heaven. Pita: Thanks for the support, Features, it means a lot. That being said, I’m actually not exactly a pastry. Features: Of course, of course, my mistake. What made you two want to run together? Pita: Well, Peeta and I are actually quite close. We’re like two chickpeas in a pod...
Phillipian Features Staff CXXXVII    Thursday, February 27, 2014
Dory: Hey guys! Dory and Patrick here. Our goal is Finding Nemo! Oh wait, no what was it? The Presidency! Patrick: Hey, Thpongebob! Dory: So, you may be wondering what our platform is. Good wondering! Well, our slogan is for all you Uppers out there—Just Keep Swimming! Patrick: And don’t say it’s a stupid slogan, because that’s also dumb. Dory: Right! Was I supposed to say that? Wait, what are we talking about? Patrick: Crabby patties? Dory: Yes! I love those! Wait, does...
Phillipian Features Staff CXXXVII    Thursday, February 27, 2014
Features: So why do you guys want to be Co-Presidents? Paul Murphy: Well that one’s a sNOw brainer! We’re easily the most qualified pair. Features: You make a good point. Any other reasons to elect you? Eddie Murphy: Well, if you’ve read out platform you’ll perhapS kNOW that we’re offering free parfait every Saturday morning in Susie’s. Features: Wait a second, isn’t Susie’s closed then? Eddie Murphy: There’s sNOw denying it! But everyone loves parfait! Features: Tru. Paul...
Phillipian Features Staff CXXXVII    Thursday, February 20, 2014
The MulletFun fact: 83.4 percent of students are attracted to mullets. The remaining 16.6 percent? They already have mullets. In the spirit of the approaching Blue and Silver formal, we here at Fogue could not advocate the mullet more enthusiastically.One of the mullet’s main benefits is that, unlike many other hairstyles, it is a perfect ’do for the average school day. The teacher sees only your serious front in class, but you can make a sure bet that when you stand up to get a drink in...

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